I was sitting on my bed last night having a “serious” conversation with my husband. It’s not something we do very often. Normally after work he’d come home, click take a nap, and then do more work for the rest of the night. I would usually fight with myself over wanting to read but spending too much time on Facebook instead.
But last night, my husband didn’t feel the need to be working on other projects or work he had taken home. Instead he was asking my opinion on which shirt and tie to wear for today. The muscles in his face and body were relaxed except the ones used to generate the smile that radiated from his eyes. He’d had a good day at work.
My husband just started a new job on Monday. He’s only been there for 2 days and he already feels appreciated. According to my husband this place seems to have their technological act together.
But while my husband has been happy with the new job. I’m still at home trying to be a mom. And I’ve found that I have a hard time just “being”.
What is it with human beings that we need to constantly be struggling against ourselves? I’m constantly trying to be more than just a mom.
“I’m a writer”, I say. “I have deadlines. Everything I’m writing is so important. People need to hear it.”
And I add the pressure on and take the fun and healing properties out of it, just like I took them out of singing.
I have a hard enough time just being a stay at home mom. I’m cleaning, cooking 3 meals a day, and spending time with my child. It’s not what I’m doing that causes a problem. It’s the monotony of everyday life. While I like having a schedule for my son, and I know it’s helpful to me to know what my day looks like, IT. NEVER. CHANGES. And it takes the joy out of life when I give into the monotony. I feel horrible when I think “I just want to get through this day!” because I know I won’t get this day back. And I feel guilty.
The moment I try to enjoy anything I feel guilty. I feel guilty for letting my son watch TV while I take a couple minutes to write. I feel guilty for letting him play ABCmouse instead of teaching him everything myself. I feel guilty for writing long posts or taking a couple minutes break during the day to get some steps in and read. There are times I feel guilty for taking a shower. I feel guilty because I somehow think that being nice to myself is “selfish”.
That is no way to go through life! I can’t enjoy my life if I constantly feel guilty for reading (the gaining of knowledge), writing (my favorite way of self expression and best way of making my thoughts CLEAR), and existing as the person God created me to be.
Starting yesterday, I decided it’s time to take the monotony out of life. Do one joy-inducing activity a day. Just one. And include my son in it, when appropriate.
Yesterday, Neylan and I went to find some joy on a little snow walk. We laughed. Watching the snowflakes fall to the earth, my heart fluttered with the weightlessness of the snowflakes. I taught Neylan a little about snow as it landed on his cold little nose. It was something that we both enjoyed.
Instead of constantly striving against myself, I need to embrace this life I have. THIS IS the life I wanted. It’s not where I’m staying, but it is what I wanted. I wanted to stay home with my son, but circumstances turned it into a need. I wanted to teach him. I wanted to be a blessing to my husband by preparing food to help him put some weight on those bones (which is not an easy task. :P). I wanted to take care of the house, allowing Abbie to focus on the things that would propel him forward in life. I wanted to be the greatest supporter for both of them.
I don’t want to look back on my life and feel guilty because I didn’t enjoy each day.
Fighting the doldrums,
Megan A.K.A. “Mom”