By the middle of last week I was on the verge of a break down.
That’s what happens when you decide, order even though you are a mother of a three year old, check that you aren’t doing enough. By that point I added hours of study and reading, writing 6 pages of emotionally charged “garbage” every night, and planning for my “book” to my list of never ending things to do. I was still cooking and cleaning up after 3 meals a day, getting 7,000 steps a day, spending time with my son reading books, along with writing and formatting (formatting kills me!) my blog posts that go out 3 days a week.
It was also a very emotional week. While trying to plan for all of this my husband and I were reading things from the past, the types of things you’d rather never to read at all. He was reading emails trying to find something for me. I was trying to remember my password to my old email account so that I could pull up those old emails and write something for practice with them. I finally remembered my password only to find the entire inbox blank. I guess that the company doesn’t hold onto email for over 6 months if you haven’t logged in for 7 years. I can’t get to my emails from college. All of those things, that were reminders of memories, are lost and forgotten. It might be a good thing considering the situations surrounding many of them, but it’s definitely disheartening when you want to remember so you can write as authentically as possible.
I was also going back and forth over whether to go to a memorial service for someone that I really cared about. I can’t go into the story surrounding it, but it was tearing me up inside. I wanted to go. I also felt as if it wasn’t my place. Who was I to go to this when I had barely talked to this man for the past 6 years? I did however see the updates on his cancer and continually pray. I wished I could have done more, though I was unable to.
I remembered him the way he was though. I remembered him for the amazing man of God that he was. I remembered him for his wise words and because he chose them so carefully. I remembered him because he had an interesting sense of humor; Unless you knew him well, you didn’t quite know when he was joking. I remembered the baseball games I went to with him and his wife. He loved baseball, whether it was the Boston Red Sox or the PawSox, I got my fair share of games in the summer before contact was ended. He was a caring person. He loved his family. He loved his church. He loved the multiple ministries that he was part of. A part of what that man and his wife were will stick with me forever. I never stopped caring for them.
I’m sure that you realize that I went. I finally broke down in tears… I told myself that I not only needed to back away from the “too many” things that I was trying to do, but that I needed to go, for myself. It was freeing. I was able to say goodbye. I was able to see and talk to two people that I hadn’t really talked to in a long time. I was able to let go of my own expectations and just be for a day.
My mood changed after that. I wasn’t greatly burdened anymore by loving people as much as I do. I let go and enjoyed the rest of my Saturday.
What was the rest of our Saturday like?
My husband, Neylan, and I went for a walk through the woods with my sister, a few of her friends, and my cousin and her husband and their kiddos. Neylan had a “Cousin Date”. Four kids and 6 adults had a blast. We even drove an hour and a half to New Hampshire to Zoo Creatures. I’ll see what I can do to get the pictures; If I do I’ll put them up soon.
I needed this past weekend. I needed to give myself freedom to just be. I’ll continue my planning and writing, but I doubt that this girl will write fifty thousand words in November. I think I have some more important things to tend to.
Megan A.K.A. “Mom”