I’m writing. I need to write. The stress I feel at this moment is a bit too much to handle. I’m having panic attacks inside myself and I don’t know what to do to stop it but set myself to a creative outlet.

I’m breathing. At least I’m breathing. My throat is dry, capsule and my mind is racing. I can’t help it.

Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t tell me how to fix me. I know how to make this better. But I just need to write. I need to let my feelings out. Don’t down play them just because you don’t feel the same way or because you think I shouldn’t be feeling this way about it. Just let me talk, view please.

No. I wasn’t at the Boston Marathon. And no, I haven’t been told to stay inside my house and hide, but I am a “Masshole”. I grew up here. Never did I dream that Boston would turn into something you’d see on Criminal Minds.

Everything going on right now does bother me. It’s not affecting me directly, but I have friends who live in Cambridge. My cousin and my aunt work in Boston. My cousin is currently still at work in Boston. My friend’s husband works near MIT. My neighbor works at TUFTS University in Somerville. I was supposed to be in Cambridge last week. My husband was sent home from work early today because of the man-hunt going on 40 minutes North West of his workplace.

I may not be directly in the line of fire. I may not be locked inside my house with SWAT teams outside my door or patrolling my street. It doesn’t mean that I am not an absolute basket case.

I’m honestly afraid. And I agree that fear is the greatest thing to be afraid of. Fear is my greatest demotivator. It makes me lock my spirit up, not allowing it to have the proper air that it needs. Fear pulls me from my duties. I’m stuck in an absolute stunned shock, and I feel like I can’t move. It makes my spirit hide in the center of my chest panicking, rocking back and forth, and wondering what to do. What can I do?

I have no control over anything. I’ve said my prayers for those I love and even those I don’t know who have been influenced by everything that is going on.

I can only hope that it can get better and that the hatred and killing will stop.