I saw this picture on my sister’s Facebook profile and I was pretty much floored. I can’t think of anything more true at this moment.

I am currently on a “journey”. I’m on a journey to get fit, viagra healthy, tadalafil and lose fat. So far I’ve been on this journey for 2 months. I have gained muscle and lost fat. I have definitely lost at least 10 lbs and at least a size and a half. (You are silly if you think I am sharing that here. :P)

My weight has caused me baggage, not just because of the weight of it. It has not only caused health issues, but it has caused heart ache and pain. I’m sure that many of you know the feeling. You feel like you are just not pretty enough or perfect enough to make even yourself happy.

I used to be thin.

Nate, Willy, Me, and Rei

When I hit puberty I gained 50 lb. in one year. After my mother’s persisance and pestering, the doctor finally ran some tests on my thyroid, we finally got the truth; I was hypothyroid. With an underactive thyroid, everything was messed up. I gained a lot of weight. My periods were so messed up that I went 8 months without one when I was 16 (and no, I didn’t have sex until I was 22 and MARRIED)! I felt tired all the time; whenever someone would ask me how I was doing I would always reply with “I feel exhausted”.

It wasn’t until I was in highschool that I figured out something that would WORK for me. Because I also had issues with insulin resistance, my endocrinologist told me I needed to decrease the carbohydrates in my diet. I went on the Atkins Diet to try not only getting my weight down, but to also get my insulin under control. I added walking to that also and had some great results. I got down to a size 14 and I felt amazing. It was the start of something great!

It was around that time, my high school graduation, that my “first love” (so-to-speak) came back into my life. I viewed him as my best friend and I was so excited when he reciprocated the feelings that I had for him. At the time , he was an amazing man of God. He was the one who did the Bible studies for our youth group through our Christian school. I had spent so much time on the phone with him reading and discussing the Word of God. He was the godly man I planned to marry.

In 2004 he decided to follow me down to Pensacola Christian College to become a Pastoral Ministries major. I was absolutely thrilled, though I didn’t want him following me if he didn’t want to be there. I found out 2 1/2 years into our relationship that all the promises he made, all the dreams we dreamed, and all “I love you”s he said were lies.  We had many lovely times, but I look back now and realize that they were overshadowed by his jealousy and lack of direction. He stayed up North while I went down to PCC. He was too busy on MySpace to call me and whenever I called him it was complete torture to be on the phone. I told him he changed, while he kept insisting that I did.

It wasn’t until months after our relationship ended that I realized and was told why he broke up with me. I gained back all the weight that I had lost before we started dating. Even with all the walking to classes, the fact that the food was not quite good on the glycemic index and that it also made me constantly sick (my first 2 years), had made me easily gain a “freshman fifteen” or more. I was also told that I shouldn’t have taken the “pregnizone” to keep my lungs open when I was dealing with bronchitis. I was told I just wasn’t “sexy enough”.

After we broke up and stopped talking altogether, I dyed my hair black (because he always wanted a girl with black hair) and could barely eat because I was so frustrated and sad. I lost weight again, but not in any healthy permanent way.

Me, with black hair, at a Mary Kay party in 2006.

 

About half a year after I broke up (or he broke up… whatever… it was mutual.) with the “godly one”, the most wonderful person in the world came into my life. I married that amazing man on May 30, 2009, a few years after we started dating. He is truly my best friend. He is one heart, one soul, and one body with me. I have never loved anyone like I love my husband.

Just one example of his loving tenderness in dealing with me.

 

I have never been loved by anyone, like I am loved by my husband. He knows what I am, who I am, where I’ve been, and what I pray to become. He loves my thoughts, my words, my actions, and my body. He loves me just the way that I am… and that is what it took to get me to decide to love myself.

That is not to say that no one else ever loved me. I am loved by so many. But no one has loved me in the capacity that he has. No one has been the one married to this happy, lovely, smart, and fiery personality in a rather chubby body. No one else has constantly told me to stop beating myself up and to just love myself for who I am. No one has ever told me to put my health above all else, even if it changes the way I look or the weight I own. No one has made love to this body and meant every part of it. I realize now that I am sexy enough. Sometimes too sexy.

Me on May 12th with my "Katniss braid".

 

Because of my husband’s healing love, I have made steps forward. Because I now know what I need to do to better myself, I can do it. Because I like how it makes me feel and the strength it gives me, I continue. Because I want to be better than I have been, I will take pounds off and add years to my life.

Sweetheart, I love you for all eternity and I want to spend as much of it as I can happy, healthy, and in your arms.

Megan A.K.A. “Beautiful Wife”