Enjoy your brand new baby

A friend of mine had a baby today and, although I was at work, I was checking for updates the moment I went on my break and as soon as I got out of work. The close knit group I am a part of has been anticipating this day since the moment she and her husband announced their first baby was on the way. I can just imagine the squeals of excitement we all made when we got the news that the doctors had decided that they needed to induce labor (for health reasons).

Both my friend and her husband kept everyone up to date.  It was like a baseball game “play by play”.

“Doctors have administered Pitocin.”

“4 cm dilated.”

“Ermahgerd! That epidural needle is huge!”

“Almost time to push!”

And then… media silence.

We waited for hours to hear an update. Hours.

We finally received more news about 4-7 hours later. It was heavenly news. Her baby girl had been born at about 1 o’clock PM. Beautiful and healthy.

As I’m writing this, I know that some people may find a problem with the way I worded what I’ve written up to this point.

“Why were you so impatient? She just had a baby. Give her a break.”

I’m trying to prove a point.

I, like any new mother, know how important that time after a child is born is. The mother is tired. The father (if he’s around) is also very tired. The child is tired. Everyone is tired.  But the point that I’m trying to make is that her main concern in that moment had nothing to do with taking pictures and sending them to her friends online. Her main concern was her baby. She was concerned with holding, feeding, looking at, and loving her baby girl.

You never realize just how precious that time with your baby is until they take him/her away.

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Looking back to Neylan’s arrival, I’ll admit, I still tear up. I still remember the look on the faces of the doctors and nurses and how the only person who kept her sanity told my husband to tell me about my son. I also believe that she, Mary, was the only reason I was able to hold him at all.

When a doctor thinks a child has a horrible defect, especially one they’ve never heard of or seen before, they go into panic mode. I saw the looks and confusion and I was concerned. The midwife must have called the pediatrician on call, because I met her some time later that night and she had a ” diagnosis”.

When I was finally given my son, I held him, kissed him, fed him, and loved him… but I also took and posted whatever pictures I could. I wanted to take those pictures and share them as soon as possible because I had already been told they would be taking him to Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center. I had already been told that he was going to have surgery in the first 24 hours of his life.

I also admit to having and enjoying a little break from him before they brought him back to me from the nursery. I needed some time to process what was going on and I needed some rest… but when the transport medical team came to take him at 2 AM, I gave him over very reluctantly. My mother slept next to me in the hospital room that night, because my husband drove up to Lebanon behind the ambulance, and I know she heard me sob myself to sleep.

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For some reason I had to say all this to get out how glad I am that she took so long to finally post pictures. She spent that precious time with her husband and her baby girl. Precious time… that I know so many mothers wish they had. And even in my tears, I realize I’m luckier than some who never had the chance to hold their newborn babes before they were taken to be medically cared for.

I know I’ve grown through my suffering with this, because I no longer am envious of the mothers and their babies that have it “better” than me and mine. I admit that the healthy babies in the past years have caused me heart ache, and I’m ashamed to admit it. I can honestly say now that I don’t feel that anymore. The only heartache I feel is remembering how I felt and now I can find the silver lining even in that.

So today… I thank God for a healthy baby girl, her happy healing mother, and joyous father. Today, I thank God for continued freedom from guilt. Today, I thank God for healing from pain.

God bless this little “song”.

Megan A.K.A. “Mom”

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I Think It’s Time To Write Again

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I’ve been away for a very long time. A lot has happened.

I’ve found a friend who has helped me through so much of the baggage I’ve had.

I’ve read many books.

I’ve done the Hundred Happy Days Challenge.

It’s too much to go through and write about right now. I’m not even sure that I’ll write about the time that has gone by, unless it comes up in a situation on a day that I’m writing.

All that really needs to be mentioned is that my son is healthy, my husband is happy, and I’ve found the peace I was searching for. I’ve learned to ride the waves on tough days. I’ve learned to cry and that it’s perfectly OK. I’ve learned that I’m not perfect and that I don’t have to try to be anymore.

Maybe I’ve said these things before, but NOW I really feel them.

And it’s so freeing.

Megan A.K.A. “Mom”

Taking a break

Just a little word to let you know that I’m taking a break. I don’t know when I’ll be back.

I’m taking some time to focus on private writing and conversation. Everything I have written up to this point has been out in the public view and I need some time to commune with God over everything that has happened and is happening in my life.

I can’t publicly deal with all the pain I still struggle with over what my son has been through. I can’t deal with the public eye either feeling sorry for me or telling me to pull up my boot straps. I don’t want either of those reactions… I just want to BE.

I’m broken, but I’m not falling apart. I find that a lot of times, if I don’t have time to process things in writing before I write them here, that I DO LOOK LIKE I’M FALLING APART. I find this not only sad, but completely the opposite of the uplifting messages that I want to present.

So I’m taking a break. And I’ll come back enlightened by the Grace of God because I’m finally allowing myself that grace… that peace… to just be what and who I am.

Megan A.K.A. “Mom”

Here are 2 pictures of my son and his cousin when they had a fun day over at their Auntie’s house.

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“Happy, Happy, Happy” Day at Bass Pro Shops

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Ney with Auntie Rei at Bass Pro Shops

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Big fish!

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There was once a turtle guy that climbed on top of his friend because he was going too slow. He realized too late that he was stuck and would only be able to get down when his friend moved. Oops!

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This is the game that we decided to play. Took some time to learn how to shoot the targets properly.

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Neylan spent some time helping Auntie play. Then we decided that we were having so much fun that we wanted to play more than a few games. They were 50 cents a piece… we broke a lot of $1  bills.

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When you hit a target, there would be some action associated with it. For the jug in that picture, steam would shoot out. 😉 If you hit the target near the window the glass would break. If you hit the target near the outhouse the door would open.

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Somebody is going to have to teach this kid how to shoot! He’s just standing there pulling the trigger and he has no idea where that’s pointed.

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After riding the elevator about 10 times, Grammie grabbed a pair of gloves for the sweet boy. He loves them. Mr. Neylan Bearpaws.

Babies. Babies Everywhere.

I spent a lot of time this week accomplishing things, but feeling like I accomplished nothing at all.

I tried to be very “little man-centered” this week. After his vaccinations last week he came down with a fever and a horrible cold that he’s still struggling to get over.

I think this week has done more for me emotionally than I could ever have imagined.

Lila's balloons. :)

Lila’s balloons. :)

Along with seeing the pictures of my friend Paul holding his adopted daughter, and holding Kayla’s baby girl last week, I also heard the feelings of many moms of children in the same physical situation as my sweet son. They are scared and hurt by their “birth stories”, by having their children taken away so soon after birth, but after we all shared pictures of our amazing children, what they’ve accomplished, and what stage they are in their repairs, I think we all feel a bit better. I feel like maybe at some point I maybe could have baby number 2. It was a healing week for me.

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I also learned that I have to be an annoying drill sergeant, “barking” orders at my son while a timer is set for 3 “5 minute” intervals, for him to clean his mess on the living room and dining room floor. It’s pretty horrible feeling for me. I loathe being a nag. But getting my boy the guidance he needs will help him get in the habit of cleaning his own messes and will help him to be responsible when he gets older. In short, I need to get over it.

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I also created a “Good Job” list. What is a “Good Job” list? A list of chores without the horrible connotation. ;P He likes to do his “Good Jobs”.  He helped with cleaning the floor and putting away his toys, putting away the clean silverware (sans knives), “sweeping” the dining room floor, and pushing the chairs in around the table. He’s a big helper!

Ney and I were also going through and watching Scooby Doo. I’ve always loved Scooby Doo. I’m glad it’s something I can share with my son.

I’m still waiting to hear about the very part time job that I was hoping to get, but in the meantime, I’m at least getting out of the house and enjoying myself with family members. :)

Megan A.K.A. “Mom”